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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23161165">The fear of becoming what made us</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jauregui9697/pseuds/Jauregui9697'>Jauregui9697</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, implied G!P Emily, pregnant jj</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:16:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,758</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23161165</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jauregui9697/pseuds/Jauregui9697</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sorry I suck at summaries</p>
<p>JJ got pregnant and Emily, since finding out, has been plagued by childhood memories. What will JJ do when Emily starts to drift away? Will she be able to safe their marriage?</p>
<p>Implied G!P Emily<br/>Pregnant JJ</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The fear of becoming what made us</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>English is not my first language.<br/>This is the very first story that I wrote in this fandom and I'm sorry for any grammar issues, I didn't proof read.<br/>I wrote this literally in less than an hour.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Please…don’t! No! stop!” Emily has been having nightmares since she found out that Jennifer was pregnant, which was about 5 months ago. She thought that the dreams, the memories, would stop after a while, but when they didn’t she decided to sleep on the couch in the living room to let her wife get some sleep. It worked for about two days before Jennifer dragged Emily back to bed. The closer Jennifer got to her due date, the worse the dreams got. At first she got them maybe once a week, now she gets them two, maybe three times a night. She couldn’t remember the last time she slept more than three hours in a night. The lack of sleep was getting to her. She was always tired and easy to anger. She snapped at her wife more than a few times in the past couple of days and she was feeling bad about it, but she couldn’t stop it.</p>
<p>She was now lying awake in bed, Jennifer’s hand on her chest trying to calm her down. “You okay?” She asked after a few minutes. She was concerned for Emily’s wellbeing. She couldn’t sleep and she sometimes forgot to eat. When they were alone she was yelling at her most of the time. She didn’t want any help and she didn’t want to talk about what was bothering her. Like right now she was always pushing her away.</p>
<p>“Do I look like I’m okay?” Emily quickly got up and left the bedroom, leaving a crying wife behind. Emily fled into the game room, which was basically a huge room with a poker table, pool table, a huge bar with all sorts of liquors and a couple of couches in the corner with a big flat screen on the wall for watching football games with the team. She was here most of the time after a nightmare, drinking to forget. Her wife normally left her alone, realising that she needed space to think. Today was unfortunately not like most nights. Jennifer came after her, tears still streaming down her face. Emily sat at the bar, drinking from a whiskey bottle and staring at her wife. </p>
<p>“What are you doing here? You know that I need my space” Emily slowly put down the whiskey bottle and waited for a reply. Jennifer looked like she was about to fall apart and Emily would do anything to hold her together, but she couldn’t, not when she was standing there with that huge belly, looking so disappointed. “Whatever you have to say can surely wait until tomorrow. It’s not like you’re going to say something new” Emily wasn’t looking at her wife, ignoring her.</p>
<p>“I can’t do this anymore…” Those five words caught Emily’s attention, she quickly looked up at her, a confused look on her face.</p>
<p>“What ar-“ Jennifer interrupted her, she was sad, so sad and all Emily could think about was that she caused this sadness.</p>
<p>“I gave you space. I gave you time. For fucks sake I gave you five fucking months and I can’t do this anymore Emily. I can’t and I won’t. I need someone in my life that will raise this child with me, not someone that doesn’t even want to know the gender of the child, if it’s healthy. You hated this child the moment I told you I was pregnant and I-“ This time Emily interrupted her. She stood up and angrily walked up to Jennifer pointing a finger at her.</p>
<p>“This has nothing to do with that child! I’m-“ Emily stopped when she realised that her wife was shaking her head, chuckling to herself. “What-“</p>
<p>“You just proved my point” Jennifer laughed again, this time pointing a finger at Emily. “You know Emily THAT child is yours too. She doesn’t have any kind of disease. She’s perfectly healthy and you would know that if you would have cared even a little bit about our, your, child!” Jennifer rammed her finger in Emily’s chest, pushing her up against the bar. She was angry, confused and hurt by the actions of her wife. Her wife was supposed to love her, lover her own blood. She just couldn’t understand what made her act this way.</p>
<p>Emily was speechless. Her wife was absolutely right. It was her child, her daughter, and she didn’t even care ab- no she did care. She cared so much but she was scared. She didn’t have the best childhood growing up. Her parents hated her for the way she was born. They never said it, they didn’t need to. It was clear in the way they looked at her, in the way they always left her alone with a nanny and it was clear in the way they talked to her. She didn’t know how to act around children, even less take care of them. She never had any friends growing up, her team members were the only group of people that made her feel like she was someone that was worth loving. </p>
<p>When Jennifer told her that she was pregnant she was happy, she really was, but that happiness left as soon as it came. She was so scared that she would be like her parents and make their child think that it wasn’t enough, that it wasn’t worth anything but hate. She couldn’t do that to her child so she decided to keep her distance for a while and think. That’s when the nightmares, no, when the memories of her childhood began. Every time she closed her eyes she saw her mother giving her disapproving looks when she talked to a girl from their street or she saw her father. He was the worst of the two. Sometimes he would come home drunk and he would be so angry, so angry at her. One time he beat her up so bad that her nanny needed to take her to the hospital. Not even my mother, but the nanny took me there.</p>
<p>“So what are you saying Jennifer?” She looked slightly shocked at Emily’s response, after all she was quiet for about ten minutes.</p>
<p>“I’m saying that you need to get your shit together or move the fuck out because I can’t keep you around my daughter if you’re going to drink your pain away. I can’t do that to her. I’m not going to let her grow up with an alcoholic parent. I’m not letting her think that that is normal. I’m begging you to talk to someone, anyone, because you leave me no other choice Emily. Don’t make me take her away from you, please” Emily was stunned. She never thought that Jennifer, her wife, was capable of something like this. She finally understood that this was her last chance. Jennifer was giving her one last chance and god forgive her if she wasn’t going to take it.</p>
<p>“Okay” Was all she could say. She smiled at her wife and wrapped her hand around the one that was still pushing against her chest, giving a light squeeze in reassurance.</p>
<p>“Okay? What do you mean? Okay you are leaving or okay you are staying?” Jennifer was afraid of her answer, afraid of raising their daughter alone.</p>
<p>“I’m going to stay and work this out the best I can, I promise. I’m sorry that I put you through all this pain. I’m so sorry JJ, please, don’t leave me” Emily finally broke down in tears, JJ quickly pulling her in her arms. Emily was hugging her for dear life, squeezing her so hard it was hard to breathe. </p>
<p>“Hey, calm down. I’m right here. I was always right here by your side” JJ guided them over to the couches and sat them down, Emily’s head buried in her chest. Minutes that felt like hours passed and Emily started to calm down.</p>
<p>“Are you now willing to talk to me?” JJ gently removed Emily’s head from her chest, looking for any kind of reaction.</p>
<p>“You know…I-I always wanted children” JJ being surprised would be and understatement, she was shocked. Emily continued to talk “I just didn’t want to raise them. I was so afraid of doing something wrong that I kind of tried to ignore the fact that you were pregnant. I didn’t have an easy childhood, as you know, and I just didn’t want her to feel like I didn’t lover her, because JJ believe me when I say that I love her with everything I have. I just don’t know how to show her how I feel. My parents hated me, they still do. My father used to come home drunk and beat the shit out of me. One time it was so bad that I needed to go to the hospital. You know who took me there? The fucking nanny did! I was lying there on the ground, unable to move, and the only thing my mother said was that I should get up and go to bed, after all I had school the next morning. I didn’t have the best example for being a parent and I know that that doesn’t excuse the way I acted towards you, but please understand that I was afraid, not that you weren’t, but I’m pretty sure that your parents didn’t tell you that you were nothing but a disappointment to them, nothing but a waste of money” JJ couldn’t believe what Emily was telling her. She knew that her parents weren’t the best but she never imagined them to be this cruel to their own daughter. All JJ could do was hold Emily as she began to cry again.</p>
<p>“It’s going to be okay Emily, you’re nothing like them. You know how I know that?” Emily shook her head “I know because your parents wouldn’t be as afraid as you are of what their child would think of them. You love her and you would do anything for her. You’re not going to be like them because you know how much it hurts do be treated that way. So believe me when I say that everything is going to be okay” Emily looked at her and smiled.</p>
<p>“You really think that? That I’ll be a good mother?” JJ could only nod and wipe Emily’s still flowing tears.</p>
<p>“I love you Emily Prentiss”</p>
<p>“I love you too Jennifer Jareau” They smiled, slowly leaning towards each other and kissing for the first time in four months. Together they fell asleep and this time there were no bad memories haunting Emily’s dreams.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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